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Talk:Holy Crapola Moments of Yours Truly/@comment-26164274-20151030081145/@comment-26164274-20151030083813
08:38, October 30, 2015 (UTC) The realization of what extent I'm stressing out over this hit me in the middle of Social Studies homework. I guess I didn't really think much of it until I sort of exploded in Ask.fm and started warning people who were PMing me on chat that I was in a fucking crappy mood and that I was sorry in advance if I did anything that offended them. Fictional characters aren't supposed to affect me so much? Sure, I've melted into puddles of emotion before, but this time...it's so negative that I don't think I've ever felt this way before about anything fictional. Characters are dropping likes flies, and few users seem to actually give a crap about how that would affect the IC world and IC/OOC relationships in general. God, Ck got an anon hate message! That was so fucking low??? At least show your probably fucked up face if you want to hate. I'm being selfish here as well. Five deaths of my own characters have basically been anchored to the DARP IC timeline because of what's been happening. A lot of things I've been working on flopped because of this genocide. Sure, I'm cool with putting my characters through hell and back, but I only have those for backup plans - which I'm now forced to execute because all the seemingly stable plans that were formulated have fizzled out completely. I never know for certain when somebody (besides Catty) is going to take interest in roleplaying with a character of mine, so I always have a back-up angst plotline for every single character I make so I don't completely disconnect with them. I don't necessarily WANT to use the back up plan unless I'm desperate. I'm desperate right now, but it comes with this feeling of absolute failure. I failed my own characters. I couldn't keep their plotlines steady and stable. Five of them are going to die and I cannot put in words how much that affects my self-esteem/morals. That's probably why I'm so frustrated with how things are turning out - I failed. That's it. I failed. I should have done better with them, maybe have braced them for this, prepared them by giving them more support both OOC and IC (aka roleplay more), or something. I can't do anything about it because that's how I made them/their personalities and now it's backfiring on me. I feel so helpless and I HATE it. These characters are basically my virtual children/pets, and I failed them so much and now they're going to suffer the consequences. I'm even starting to regret adding the little things that supposedly makes them "well-developed and thought out." (They're neither, in truth, and everyone is too nice to comment otherwise.) That's it. I want to quit DARP after all this, but Emma made a great point in her sandbox - if she does, all the work done on DARP can be considered wasted. I don't show it much, but I love my characters. I can handle them hurting a few of them at a time, but a THIRD of my characters with their imminent deaths about to grace the pages of DARP? No recovery? No picking back up the pieces? Damaged eternally? I can't handle it. I can't. I'm an overemotional nincompoop, so I can't handle this. I can't handle this. Ugh, I'm sorry but I can't. I don't know how. I'm probably going to think of DARP again tonight and start crying my eyes out again like yesternight. Stupid chemical reactions in my stupid brain.